updated

my vet called me friday early evening to let me know that he had gone ahead and opened Sienna up.  he wanted to let me know that i had made the right decision .. her pancreas was completely calcified and there was a large mass on it that was cancerous. 

he said she wouldn't have had that much longer to live and that this type of cancer was very uncommon.  he said i prevented her from any kind of suffering and that it was most definitely the humane thing to do for her.

that doesn't make it easier.  well, maybe a little.

i dream about her.  the other night i dreamed she was sleeping next to me and i was running my fingers through her soft fur.  i woke up and i was rubbing the pillow next to me.  i hope she knows how much i miss her.  i hope she knows how much she was loved.

i hope she knows that she will always live on in my heart.

snow

i hear it's snowing in colorado.  big blizzard.  it's not that i wish i were there, i just wish i was anywhere but here.

i got another lecture (talking to) because i said that if another person moved in here i would have to leave.  he just doesn't get it.  i'm criticized for having feelings that don't mesh with what he thinks i should feel.  he knows what's best for me.  he knows what's best for everyone.   i am not doing what i need to be doing to "improve" myself.  i'm stupid for feeling down.  i'm lazy for feeling depressed. 

i'm not sure how he thinks that this helps me?  all it does is solidify how i'm feeling and why i feel it.

i am miserable.  i can't remember a time when i felt this miserable.  in the past when i've been hurt at least i had a job, friends to talk to, something to do.  now, being unemployed and basically trapped ~ i have nothing.

making sense

so many things make sense now that i am aware of the truth.

he's home today. i can't even look at him. i want to be anywhere but here. every conversation, every moment of action and behavior by him is crystal clear to me. my stomach is in knots. my heart is aching. my head is pounding. it's been 7 years since i went through this, but it's different now. then, he didn't leave me for someone else. this time, there is another woman; he just doesn't know that i know.

i want this pain to stop. and i swear on all that is in me, if i survive this, i will never, ever give my heart away again.

i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up for i don't have the guts to do anything about it myself.

i have never felt more like a failure than i do at this point in my life. really, what is the point?

hopes and dreams

Chinese horoscope:

Ox

You'll always want to go farther and no obstacle can impede your progress; however, don't let yourself be intoxicated. Possible stomach burns, flatulence: you should take more time to eat, masticating your food well. All risk of irritation or conflictual situation should be carefully avoided. Love and understanding will prevail this time. You'll even find reasons for appreciating those who annoyed you before.

Astrological horoscope:

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The airy Libra Moon this weekend can raise your hopes about what's ahead. Perhaps you are looking forward to taking a trip. Or maybe you are eager to begin a new course of study. No matter what you are planning, this is your time to open your mind and expand your horizons. Don't be lazy; your future is not about reinforcing the status quo. Push your boundaries and see where destiny takes you.

interestingly enough i have been hearing this exact thing from john for the last two days.

everything finally came to a head wednesday night. for the first time i was honest about my feelings and what has been going on with me. why i'm frustrated most of the time and moody; taking *things* out on others.

i am still in love with him.

i guess you have to be a special kind of person to be friends with an ex. i have had a few friendships with ex boyfriends, but they were always at a distance; i.e. like it was with him the last few years over the phone. i thought i was grown up enough to put my feelings aside and accept the gift he was offering ~ a fresh start on a new life.

i am not.

this is part of an email i sent to him:

bottom line for me is i don't know how to stop being in love with you. i wasn't able to do it in the last 6 years; definitely harder now that i'm living in your space. hard to be *thisclose* to the love of your life and yet light years apart. hard to be near you when i just want to reach out and hug you and i know i can't. hard to keep the sound of my heart pounding quiet when you smile at me.

most of my bad mood has to do with being jealous of all the people around you, being hurt when you said something that crushed me or my spirit of hope, hearing you laugh when i wasn't part of making it happen.

i do understand your intention was pure ~ to help me out of a bad situation and also to come together to help one another. we both knew, however, how i felt before i even got here. i thought i could do it. i thought i could put aside my feelings and be thankful for the gift. it's apparent that i can't.

i'm just completely broken and not sure what to do. i still think it's best for everyone in the house if i leave. it might be the middle of october or closer to the end. i will stay to pay the next big elec/water bill which is Oct 15. since i "created" the better part of that bill, i am responsible for it. after that i will have to save and put my money together to get a place.

and then figure out after that how to live without you.

when i got home last night he made me talk to him. i don't even really want to. all he tells me is i need to get over it and embrace what he's offering so i can be successful in the future. so i can move forward in my life. basically what my horoscopes say.

i am not sure where to go from here. i want to get get through the next month and leave. then heal and get on my feet. do it by myself. and purge him from my life. i can't be friends with him. it's just too painful.

pain

Tuesday, September 8

Dramatic changes are coming in your love life as a result of changing values, changes in friendships, or changes in your beliefs about "right and wrong". You may be growing toward a better understanding, or are growing apart from someone who has chosen to stay frozen in the past.

that couldn't be more on target. i just read it.

when i got home tonight, there was another car in the driveway. i pulled in behind it.

when i came in, i saw a woman sitting very close to john on the couch. he introduced her to me as "rachel." from what i remember, this person and he were friends when he and i were together in the past. several times when he would call me on the phone she would come over. they are also "exs".

she is also obviously very close to john's son. as i write this they are all sitting in the living room, laughing, playing, joking and having a great time. they ordered pizza. they did *kind of* invite me. as in "um, did you want any of this?"

no. no thanks.

i'll take my heart break with my diet pepsi in my room.

numb

i don't belong here. in california or in this house.

i don't belong with these people.

i don't belong in colorado.

i don't know where i belong anymore. i am basically trapped where i'm at. i have one option for changing it and it's an option i've tried several times. why am i scared to try it now?

mostly because i think i won't be successful and i will be a failure at it yet again.

i hate my life. and it is what it is because of choices i have made. no one is to blame but me.

why do i always believe that someone actually cares .. when in reality, no one does. when it comes down to the bottom line, i am by myself. period.

i'm so fucking tired. i'm 47 years old and have nothing. i'm blank. i'm numb. i'm nothing.

i wish i was on a small raft just floating ... on the water .. into oblivion.