hopes and dreams

Chinese horoscope:

Ox

You'll always want to go farther and no obstacle can impede your progress; however, don't let yourself be intoxicated. Possible stomach burns, flatulence: you should take more time to eat, masticating your food well. All risk of irritation or conflictual situation should be carefully avoided. Love and understanding will prevail this time. You'll even find reasons for appreciating those who annoyed you before.

Astrological horoscope:

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The airy Libra Moon this weekend can raise your hopes about what's ahead. Perhaps you are looking forward to taking a trip. Or maybe you are eager to begin a new course of study. No matter what you are planning, this is your time to open your mind and expand your horizons. Don't be lazy; your future is not about reinforcing the status quo. Push your boundaries and see where destiny takes you.

interestingly enough i have been hearing this exact thing from john for the last two days.

everything finally came to a head wednesday night. for the first time i was honest about my feelings and what has been going on with me. why i'm frustrated most of the time and moody; taking *things* out on others.

i am still in love with him.

i guess you have to be a special kind of person to be friends with an ex. i have had a few friendships with ex boyfriends, but they were always at a distance; i.e. like it was with him the last few years over the phone. i thought i was grown up enough to put my feelings aside and accept the gift he was offering ~ a fresh start on a new life.

i am not.

this is part of an email i sent to him:

bottom line for me is i don't know how to stop being in love with you. i wasn't able to do it in the last 6 years; definitely harder now that i'm living in your space. hard to be *thisclose* to the love of your life and yet light years apart. hard to be near you when i just want to reach out and hug you and i know i can't. hard to keep the sound of my heart pounding quiet when you smile at me.

most of my bad mood has to do with being jealous of all the people around you, being hurt when you said something that crushed me or my spirit of hope, hearing you laugh when i wasn't part of making it happen.

i do understand your intention was pure ~ to help me out of a bad situation and also to come together to help one another. we both knew, however, how i felt before i even got here. i thought i could do it. i thought i could put aside my feelings and be thankful for the gift. it's apparent that i can't.

i'm just completely broken and not sure what to do. i still think it's best for everyone in the house if i leave. it might be the middle of october or closer to the end. i will stay to pay the next big elec/water bill which is Oct 15. since i "created" the better part of that bill, i am responsible for it. after that i will have to save and put my money together to get a place.

and then figure out after that how to live without you.

when i got home last night he made me talk to him. i don't even really want to. all he tells me is i need to get over it and embrace what he's offering so i can be successful in the future. so i can move forward in my life. basically what my horoscopes say.

i am not sure where to go from here. i want to get get through the next month and leave. then heal and get on my feet. do it by myself. and purge him from my life. i can't be friends with him. it's just too painful.