i hear it's snowing in colorado. big blizzard. it's not that i wish i were there, i just wish i was anywhere but here.
i got another lecture (talking to) because i said that if another person moved in here i would have to leave. he just doesn't get it. i'm criticized for having feelings that don't mesh with what he thinks i should feel. he knows what's best for me. he knows what's best for everyone. i am not doing what i need to be doing to "improve" myself. i'm stupid for feeling down. i'm lazy for feeling depressed.
i'm not sure how he thinks that this helps me? all it does is solidify how i'm feeling and why i feel it.
i am miserable. i can't remember a time when i felt this miserable. in the past when i've been hurt at least i had a job, friends to talk to, something to do. now, being unemployed and basically trapped ~ i have nothing.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
making sense
so many things make sense now that i am aware of the truth.
he's home today. i can't even look at him. i want to be anywhere but here. every conversation, every moment of action and behavior by him is crystal clear to me. my stomach is in knots. my heart is aching. my head is pounding. it's been 7 years since i went through this, but it's different now. then, he didn't leave me for someone else. this time, there is another woman; he just doesn't know that i know.
i want this pain to stop. and i swear on all that is in me, if i survive this, i will never, ever give my heart away again.
i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up for i don't have the guts to do anything about it myself.
i have never felt more like a failure than i do at this point in my life. really, what is the point?
he's home today. i can't even look at him. i want to be anywhere but here. every conversation, every moment of action and behavior by him is crystal clear to me. my stomach is in knots. my heart is aching. my head is pounding. it's been 7 years since i went through this, but it's different now. then, he didn't leave me for someone else. this time, there is another woman; he just doesn't know that i know.
i want this pain to stop. and i swear on all that is in me, if i survive this, i will never, ever give my heart away again.
i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up for i don't have the guts to do anything about it myself.
i have never felt more like a failure than i do at this point in my life. really, what is the point?
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
jobs
i am in the process of looking for a job. i still have my temp job but i'm coming up on my three months and i just don't know what is to come. i need something more stable that has decent benefits. i know unemployment out here is high ~ but i am just plugging away hoping that the right thing falls in line for me.
another "house meeting" today ::rolls eyes:: i swear these guys are worse than women. since i don't ovulate anymore i think they've all taken over the trait.
i continue to keep my feelings and emotions in check where john is concerned. there have been several instances that i want to react to something but i work on not doing that. it's tough but necessary.
i found out that i can not qualify for the lap band surgery financially. i didn't get approved for the financing they offer and i don't have the money to do it. my insurance doesn't even cover lab work so that's not an option. i'm frustrated because i feel like i don't have any time. they would accept a co-signer but i don't have anyone to do that either. i am at a standstill with that issue and feel very depressed.
the weather has finally gotten cooler and it's actually beautiful out these days. in the 70s. i read the news tonight and see it's supposed to snow in colorado tomorrow. i am homesick. i wish i could go home. except i don't have a home there.
i don't have a home here either, now that i think about it.
another "house meeting" today ::rolls eyes:: i swear these guys are worse than women. since i don't ovulate anymore i think they've all taken over the trait.
i continue to keep my feelings and emotions in check where john is concerned. there have been several instances that i want to react to something but i work on not doing that. it's tough but necessary.
i found out that i can not qualify for the lap band surgery financially. i didn't get approved for the financing they offer and i don't have the money to do it. my insurance doesn't even cover lab work so that's not an option. i'm frustrated because i feel like i don't have any time. they would accept a co-signer but i don't have anyone to do that either. i am at a standstill with that issue and feel very depressed.
the weather has finally gotten cooler and it's actually beautiful out these days. in the 70s. i read the news tonight and see it's supposed to snow in colorado tomorrow. i am homesick. i wish i could go home. except i don't have a home there.
i don't have a home here either, now that i think about it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Aquarius
You are hopeful today that your current financial condition will improve soon. Your extra efforts at work won't likely go unnoticed now, although you could get frustrated because it will probably take some time yet to be acknowledged. Don't worry about the immediate response from your associates or your boss. Focus on quietly meeting your obligations and have faith that things will turn around.
exactly! good words for today. i'm anxious about my "temp" job and hoping that it turns into something permanent. i've been there almost 3 months now and i am fearful almost every day that i will be told my assignment is done. i like the job, but wish i was doing more. i know that if i was permanent i WOULD be doing more.
things have quieted down at the house. mostly because if have put aside my feelings and emotions and am trying to remain focused on the goal. i have things i need to take care of and i wouldn't be able to meet those obligations if i were trying to pay rent.
i also am looking into having the lap band surgery. i have no idea where i'd come up with the money for that, but it's almost at a *have to* state. my health is declining and if i don't do something i will die.
and as much as that is a pleasant thought at times, i think i want to be skinny again first.
You are hopeful today that your current financial condition will improve soon. Your extra efforts at work won't likely go unnoticed now, although you could get frustrated because it will probably take some time yet to be acknowledged. Don't worry about the immediate response from your associates or your boss. Focus on quietly meeting your obligations and have faith that things will turn around.
exactly! good words for today. i'm anxious about my "temp" job and hoping that it turns into something permanent. i've been there almost 3 months now and i am fearful almost every day that i will be told my assignment is done. i like the job, but wish i was doing more. i know that if i was permanent i WOULD be doing more.
things have quieted down at the house. mostly because if have put aside my feelings and emotions and am trying to remain focused on the goal. i have things i need to take care of and i wouldn't be able to meet those obligations if i were trying to pay rent.
i also am looking into having the lap band surgery. i have no idea where i'd come up with the money for that, but it's almost at a *have to* state. my health is declining and if i don't do something i will die.
and as much as that is a pleasant thought at times, i think i want to be skinny again first.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)