hope?

yea so this week i found out that my unemployment runs out in three weeks. 

as of this minute i am overdrawn in my checking account.

i don't have a dime to my name.

i am on "e" in my car.

i have minimal food.

i don't get paid again until the 27th.  and that will be my last payment from unemployment.

i don't have a job.

i am at the bottom.  truly. 

i don't think i can take anymore.  after the drama of this year, then coming back home, then losing Sienna and now this.  how much, really, can one person take?

*sigh*

Friday, December 18

Your career, business and financial intuition is still on target, even if one or two arrows missed the mark. Overall, you have an increasingly positive track record, but you are finding it hard to believe in yourself. Trust you will be led to solution.

we'll see.

updated

my vet called me friday early evening to let me know that he had gone ahead and opened Sienna up.  he wanted to let me know that i had made the right decision .. her pancreas was completely calcified and there was a large mass on it that was cancerous. 

he said she wouldn't have had that much longer to live and that this type of cancer was very uncommon.  he said i prevented her from any kind of suffering and that it was most definitely the humane thing to do for her.

that doesn't make it easier.  well, maybe a little.

i dream about her.  the other night i dreamed she was sleeping next to me and i was running my fingers through her soft fur.  i woke up and i was rubbing the pillow next to me.  i hope she knows how much i miss her.  i hope she knows how much she was loved.

i hope she knows that she will always live on in my heart.

goodbye, Sienna.

before thanksgiving, sienna was having trouble walking.  she couldn't hold herself up or get up from laying down.  this went on, where she would have good episodes and then bad ones.  i ended up taking her to the vet yesterday because she was becoming more weak. 

they weren't sure what was wrong with her.  after x-rays and blood work, they thought maybe arthritis.  but when i took her home, she couldn't get up at all.  they had been checking her blood sugar and saw it was very very low.  in the 35 - 40 range.  normal for a dog is 80.  they kept her last night and put her on an IV with glucose in it.  this morning her blood sugar was still 38.  they did an ultrasound to find that she has a large mass in her pancreas area.  they believe (without doing a biopsy) that it's cancer because of the placement and size.

i have to go down to the vet today at 11:00 and have her put to sleep.  i am destroyed.

she has been my constant companion for 11 years.  she has been with me through everything i've endured the last few years.  every day when i had my wound dressing changed she would lay on the bed with me and rest her chin on my arm as if to comfort and protect me.  every time i cried she was right next to me.

i will write more when i can do so without tears streaming down my face.

sienna ~ when i called you the best. dog. ever.  i meant it.  you have been a complete joy to me, always.  such a good girl.  while you didn't always listen, you had your silly eyebrows and your cute face to make me smile.  i love you so so much.  i can't believe i won't snuggle in bed with you tonight getting doggy kisses on my face. 

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.  There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.  There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor.  Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance.

Her bright eyes are intent. Her eager body quivers. Suddenly she begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, her legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.  The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

If It Should Be

Author Unknown.

If it should be that I grow weak,

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand;

Don't let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years -

What is to come can hold no fears.

You'd not want me to suffer so;

The time has come, so let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend

And please stay with me until the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve - it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We've been so close, we two, these years -

Don't let your heart hold back its tears

Sienna

10.18.98 - 12.11.09

good, bad & ugly

the last few days have been bearable.  i think he's being nice, because he knows i'm leaving.  he's no longer vested, so it's easier for him.

i drove sienna up to Tracy, CO (about 320 miles away) so she could ride back to Colorado with Tuesday and Paul.  this is so i can fit everything in my car and not have to ship anything.  it was a long trip.  she has been walking funny, not being able to lift her back right leg.  i called the vet last week and they told me to give her aspirin and ice the area.  i had done that, but i think being cramped up in the car hurt her more, or caused her to really stiffen up because when we got to Tracy, she couldn't hardly walk.  i was so scared.  she had a rough time going back to CO.  Tuesday, being the wonderful person she is, massaged and iced her leg.  taking good care of her i hear that she is doing much much better today.  i'm so thankful.  i was so scared something was seriously wrong and i might lose her.  i would be absolutely devastated.

wednesday, when i got home from driving (640 miles and 11 hours later), i was asked to help in the kitchen.  that ended up being a good thing.  we worked until about 10 wednesday night, and then started again at 7:00am yesterday.  he is a great cook.  i helped with the preparation of everything.  from scratch we made:

cornbread dressing (cornbread from scratch, not a box)
sweet potato pie (pie crust from scratch, as well as filling)
pinto beans
mac & cheese (oven baked)
mashed potatos
gravy

we had turkey and pork roast.  green beans and corn.  i peeled so many potatoes!  the whole experience was good, i learned a lot about cooking, too.  we had a good day together and i'm glad that my last few days here are going okay instead of all the tension.

i met his mother's best friend and her daughter and family last night when they came over.  it was bittersweet because i've heard about them all so many times over the years.  to meet them 5 days before i leave made me sad.  she told me she's heard so much about me and gave me a huge hug.  i'm sad to not get to know this woman better.  she and john are very close.

i also found an apartment today.  i'm very grateful to Tuesday for her help with that.  it is a huge relief to know i have a place to go when i get back to CO next week.  it's a nice little one bedroom and i got a good deal on it.  i will be doing the paperwork this weekend

now, all i have to worry about is my car getting me 1,200 miles.  it is still not running right and the guy refuses to listen to me that there is a problem.  i was screwed out of $800 and it pisses me off.  if i break down on the way back, well, i can't even say what will happen.

i will finish packing this weekend and plan to head out on Tuesday morning.

7 days and counting ..

Chinese Horoscope: Tuesday, November 24

It will be a day of great personal insights. Some of the best times of personal growth come during challenges. If you find yourself facing a difficult decision today, rejoice! You are being given a special opportunity to make a huge leap forward.

Aquarius

Your dreams can actually help to answer a lingering question today, but you'll need to take the time to explore their symbolism. Even if you cannot remember all the details, your subconscious puts you in touch with what's important now. Your current lesson has to do with how your unfettered imagination can help you create a better future. Remember, what exists in reality begins as a mere thought first.

so as the time is counting down, i'm having more thoughts and events happen to test me and my choices.  i received a phone call today from my recruiter here in California about a permanent job and they really really wanted to interview me.  ironic.  i told her that i was leaving next week.

giving it some thought, even if i did get the job, i would still have to leave this house.  and i don't really want to be in california alone.  and i don't want to be that close to him.  so right, or wrong, my decision has been made.

he and i have had some conversation around the entire situation.  this changes nothing other than clarification and closure for me.  i think he believes that we will continue the friendship after i leave.  i know, however; that will not be happening.

it's all bittersweet.

tomorrow i take Sienna up to Tuesday and Paul (in Tracy, CA) and Sienna will ride home with them.  she is not feeling good.  she fell off the bed the other day onto the hardwood floor.  i think she bruised her tail bone.  she's walking slowly and appears to be in some discomfort.  my vet told me to give her 2 aspirin a day and ice the area.  going to do that now.

it will be extremely hard to leave her.  she is my only comfort here now.  i will miss her so much.

9 and counting ..

Updated:  07:41pm - Chinese Horoscope



Sunday, November 22
You have an opportunity to switch your attention from a friend or companion who is using you to someone who loves and supports you, so why are you still bothering with the old turkey? Maybe you feel sorry for someone who has a mixed up sense of values and priorities. 

um .. WOW? really?  i don't know if that could have been more on target.  sometimes everything just lines up.  

 

i just hope that a) my car runs okay, b) that i get the apartment and c) that i get a job.  fingers and toes crossed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aquarius

The Moon's return to your sign gives you permission to express your feelings, even if they aren't what others might expect. As long as your intentions are good, it's not your responsibility to hide your emotions just because someone else may be uncomfortable with them. However, this isn't a free license to spew your unconventional thoughts helter-skelter. Being considerate may alter your words, but it doesn't have to change your truth.

my intentions have always been good, not having any ulterior motives.  and hiding my emotions has never been one of my strong points.   i wear my heart on my sleeve.  it's how i've always been.

my friends tell me that i was supposed to go through this.  had i not, i probably wouldn't have ever let go of the dream of him.  of the thought of him.  of loving him.  now i see something, someone, different.  dreams shattered like glass falling on the cement.  but what you do is clean up the mess, throw it away, and move on.

while i was not clear of the shrapnel that flew my way, it may just be that i had to experience this so i can move on with my life.  so i can let go of the baggage.  so i can lose the weight.  so i can find me again.

so ...

what do you think of the new blog?

yes?  no?  maybe?