sore

i am sore all over from the fall out of the bed yesterday.

my wrist hurts. i have bruises all over my abdomen. my pinky toe is now black and blue down the side of my foot. i have scrapes/bruises on my knees. i wonder what i was thinking or doing in my dream that caused me to throw myself off the bed .. if i didn't feel like such crap, it would be funny. i can admit it.

things at the house are tentative at best. there is no consistency and anyone who knows me would is aware that nothing more causes me anxiety and stress than lack of it. the *deal* about him cooking and me cleaning has partially fallen by the wayside ~ the part about him cooking. that lasted about two weeks. i think because his work schedule is changing that he's slacking in anticipation. it's ok. i will get my first real check this weekend and i will buy stuff for sandwiches and put it in MY little fridge so i can have stuff for lunch. i do not want to go back to eating fast food three times a day.

other than that, driving to work this morning i was thinking wow. i'm in california. the highways are really pretty here as they are mostly tree lined. the drivers here are insane but i think i knew that's how it was going to be. am i completely happy and content? no. there is too much unsettled back in colorado that has me worried. there is also a lack of "belongingness" here for me but i suspect that will diminsh after a while.

i miss my friends though. very much.

whatever

i'm having a frustrating day today.

it started when i was rudely awaken at 3:30 am as i was falling out of bed. i was on my back (i'm guessing) and rolled over onto my right side but must have been on the edge of the bed. i woke mid-air right before my knees slammed into the hardwood floors and as my left foot slid to the left, slamming into the metal foot of a stand that is in my room.

i believe i have broken at least 2, if not three, toes. my foot is throbbing, my toes are black and blue.

then, i find out that i must pay a surrender fee to the no-kill organization (Every Creature Counts) that i adopted Myca from. now let me get this. i paid to adopt him. i pay to relinquish him? i don't recall that being in the original contract. and if i could afford to pay to surrender him, wouldn't i be keeping him? the situation is not one that i wanted to have happen. i didn't get him on a whim and am returning him. i couldn't take him with me. there was no way possible for that to happen. my life changed in an instant ~ and i lost almost everything that means something to me. now ~ because i can't afford a fee ~ i have to just have him turned loose on the street? or taken to the humane society or ASPCA and drop him off anonymously? *sigh*

they should change their name to Not Every Creature Counts.

i am sick to my stomach.

things are also stressful at the house. my "roommate" (that is what he calls me now) is nice and kind one day, and an ass the next. any hope of this being some kind of reconciliation has flown out the window on the tail of a 747. i'm tired of mixed messages. i'm tired of getting berated. i'm tired of being treated like i am the maid.

i'm kind of at the end of my rope these days and wondering WTF? really?