hope?

yea so this week i found out that my unemployment runs out in three weeks. 

as of this minute i am overdrawn in my checking account.

i don't have a dime to my name.

i am on "e" in my car.

i have minimal food.

i don't get paid again until the 27th.  and that will be my last payment from unemployment.

i don't have a job.

i am at the bottom.  truly. 

i don't think i can take anymore.  after the drama of this year, then coming back home, then losing Sienna and now this.  how much, really, can one person take?

*sigh*

Friday, December 18

Your career, business and financial intuition is still on target, even if one or two arrows missed the mark. Overall, you have an increasingly positive track record, but you are finding it hard to believe in yourself. Trust you will be led to solution.

we'll see.

making sense

so many things make sense now that i am aware of the truth.

he's home today. i can't even look at him. i want to be anywhere but here. every conversation, every moment of action and behavior by him is crystal clear to me. my stomach is in knots. my heart is aching. my head is pounding. it's been 7 years since i went through this, but it's different now. then, he didn't leave me for someone else. this time, there is another woman; he just doesn't know that i know.

i want this pain to stop. and i swear on all that is in me, if i survive this, i will never, ever give my heart away again.

i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up for i don't have the guts to do anything about it myself.

i have never felt more like a failure than i do at this point in my life. really, what is the point?

hopes and dreams

Chinese horoscope:

Ox

You'll always want to go farther and no obstacle can impede your progress; however, don't let yourself be intoxicated. Possible stomach burns, flatulence: you should take more time to eat, masticating your food well. All risk of irritation or conflictual situation should be carefully avoided. Love and understanding will prevail this time. You'll even find reasons for appreciating those who annoyed you before.

Astrological horoscope:

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The airy Libra Moon this weekend can raise your hopes about what's ahead. Perhaps you are looking forward to taking a trip. Or maybe you are eager to begin a new course of study. No matter what you are planning, this is your time to open your mind and expand your horizons. Don't be lazy; your future is not about reinforcing the status quo. Push your boundaries and see where destiny takes you.

interestingly enough i have been hearing this exact thing from john for the last two days.

everything finally came to a head wednesday night. for the first time i was honest about my feelings and what has been going on with me. why i'm frustrated most of the time and moody; taking *things* out on others.

i am still in love with him.

i guess you have to be a special kind of person to be friends with an ex. i have had a few friendships with ex boyfriends, but they were always at a distance; i.e. like it was with him the last few years over the phone. i thought i was grown up enough to put my feelings aside and accept the gift he was offering ~ a fresh start on a new life.

i am not.

this is part of an email i sent to him:

bottom line for me is i don't know how to stop being in love with you. i wasn't able to do it in the last 6 years; definitely harder now that i'm living in your space. hard to be *thisclose* to the love of your life and yet light years apart. hard to be near you when i just want to reach out and hug you and i know i can't. hard to keep the sound of my heart pounding quiet when you smile at me.

most of my bad mood has to do with being jealous of all the people around you, being hurt when you said something that crushed me or my spirit of hope, hearing you laugh when i wasn't part of making it happen.

i do understand your intention was pure ~ to help me out of a bad situation and also to come together to help one another. we both knew, however, how i felt before i even got here. i thought i could do it. i thought i could put aside my feelings and be thankful for the gift. it's apparent that i can't.

i'm just completely broken and not sure what to do. i still think it's best for everyone in the house if i leave. it might be the middle of october or closer to the end. i will stay to pay the next big elec/water bill which is Oct 15. since i "created" the better part of that bill, i am responsible for it. after that i will have to save and put my money together to get a place.

and then figure out after that how to live without you.

when i got home last night he made me talk to him. i don't even really want to. all he tells me is i need to get over it and embrace what he's offering so i can be successful in the future. so i can move forward in my life. basically what my horoscopes say.

i am not sure where to go from here. i want to get get through the next month and leave. then heal and get on my feet. do it by myself. and purge him from my life. i can't be friends with him. it's just too painful.

whatever

i'm having a frustrating day today.

it started when i was rudely awaken at 3:30 am as i was falling out of bed. i was on my back (i'm guessing) and rolled over onto my right side but must have been on the edge of the bed. i woke mid-air right before my knees slammed into the hardwood floors and as my left foot slid to the left, slamming into the metal foot of a stand that is in my room.

i believe i have broken at least 2, if not three, toes. my foot is throbbing, my toes are black and blue.

then, i find out that i must pay a surrender fee to the no-kill organization (Every Creature Counts) that i adopted Myca from. now let me get this. i paid to adopt him. i pay to relinquish him? i don't recall that being in the original contract. and if i could afford to pay to surrender him, wouldn't i be keeping him? the situation is not one that i wanted to have happen. i didn't get him on a whim and am returning him. i couldn't take him with me. there was no way possible for that to happen. my life changed in an instant ~ and i lost almost everything that means something to me. now ~ because i can't afford a fee ~ i have to just have him turned loose on the street? or taken to the humane society or ASPCA and drop him off anonymously? *sigh*

they should change their name to Not Every Creature Counts.

i am sick to my stomach.

things are also stressful at the house. my "roommate" (that is what he calls me now) is nice and kind one day, and an ass the next. any hope of this being some kind of reconciliation has flown out the window on the tail of a 747. i'm tired of mixed messages. i'm tired of getting berated. i'm tired of being treated like i am the maid.

i'm kind of at the end of my rope these days and wondering WTF? really?