tears

i cried last night when i knew my beloved Myca was gone. there was no other option but still i feel i failed.

i'm feeling like i'm failing at everything these days.

my living situation has turned toxic. john is no longer speaking to me after the huge argument we had yesterday morning. when i got home from work he and his son were gone. i went to bed about 8pm. they hadn't returned. i would assume they stayed out specifically to avoid me. this morning i got up for work and he was sitting in the living room, but didn't say a word to me. he leaves this morning to be on the road until wednesday morning. then he's home again until friday morning. i am going to be looking for apartments although that's probably not a smart idea until i have a permanent job, but i have to do something.

i can't live like this.

when i get to the point that i think "death" is the better option, i know i have to make changes.

on the other hand, i am mapping directions to the beach. i am going to the beach this weekend. i need the relaxation and meditation. yay! beach!!

goodbye

mr. myca

mr. handsome

i am so so sorry that i could not bring you with me. every day i ask myself if it were possible and i just don't think you would have made the trip in the heat. sienna barely did. having no air conditioning and 110 degree temperatures, i think would have been very hard on you. plus where i live? they don't like dogs and like cats even less.

i am sorry i failed you as a pet owner. i'm sorry that i gave you a wonderful home where you were happy and loved ~ and i didn't do more to secure that for you. i know you've been through a lot in your life and while i don't know all the details, i want you to know i love you so much. i'm really do. you are the coolest cat i've ever known. and i just want you to know that i will miss you every day.

i know you will find a good home and a lasting home. please don't be mad at me. please forgive me for letting you down. please don't forget sienna and me.

i love you.

your pet mom

whatever

i'm having a frustrating day today.

it started when i was rudely awaken at 3:30 am as i was falling out of bed. i was on my back (i'm guessing) and rolled over onto my right side but must have been on the edge of the bed. i woke mid-air right before my knees slammed into the hardwood floors and as my left foot slid to the left, slamming into the metal foot of a stand that is in my room.

i believe i have broken at least 2, if not three, toes. my foot is throbbing, my toes are black and blue.

then, i find out that i must pay a surrender fee to the no-kill organization (Every Creature Counts) that i adopted Myca from. now let me get this. i paid to adopt him. i pay to relinquish him? i don't recall that being in the original contract. and if i could afford to pay to surrender him, wouldn't i be keeping him? the situation is not one that i wanted to have happen. i didn't get him on a whim and am returning him. i couldn't take him with me. there was no way possible for that to happen. my life changed in an instant ~ and i lost almost everything that means something to me. now ~ because i can't afford a fee ~ i have to just have him turned loose on the street? or taken to the humane society or ASPCA and drop him off anonymously? *sigh*

they should change their name to Not Every Creature Counts.

i am sick to my stomach.

things are also stressful at the house. my "roommate" (that is what he calls me now) is nice and kind one day, and an ass the next. any hope of this being some kind of reconciliation has flown out the window on the tail of a 747. i'm tired of mixed messages. i'm tired of getting berated. i'm tired of being treated like i am the maid.

i'm kind of at the end of my rope these days and wondering WTF? really?