hopes and dreams

Chinese horoscope:

Ox

You'll always want to go farther and no obstacle can impede your progress; however, don't let yourself be intoxicated. Possible stomach burns, flatulence: you should take more time to eat, masticating your food well. All risk of irritation or conflictual situation should be carefully avoided. Love and understanding will prevail this time. You'll even find reasons for appreciating those who annoyed you before.

Astrological horoscope:

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The airy Libra Moon this weekend can raise your hopes about what's ahead. Perhaps you are looking forward to taking a trip. Or maybe you are eager to begin a new course of study. No matter what you are planning, this is your time to open your mind and expand your horizons. Don't be lazy; your future is not about reinforcing the status quo. Push your boundaries and see where destiny takes you.

interestingly enough i have been hearing this exact thing from john for the last two days.

everything finally came to a head wednesday night. for the first time i was honest about my feelings and what has been going on with me. why i'm frustrated most of the time and moody; taking *things* out on others.

i am still in love with him.

i guess you have to be a special kind of person to be friends with an ex. i have had a few friendships with ex boyfriends, but they were always at a distance; i.e. like it was with him the last few years over the phone. i thought i was grown up enough to put my feelings aside and accept the gift he was offering ~ a fresh start on a new life.

i am not.

this is part of an email i sent to him:

bottom line for me is i don't know how to stop being in love with you. i wasn't able to do it in the last 6 years; definitely harder now that i'm living in your space. hard to be *thisclose* to the love of your life and yet light years apart. hard to be near you when i just want to reach out and hug you and i know i can't. hard to keep the sound of my heart pounding quiet when you smile at me.

most of my bad mood has to do with being jealous of all the people around you, being hurt when you said something that crushed me or my spirit of hope, hearing you laugh when i wasn't part of making it happen.

i do understand your intention was pure ~ to help me out of a bad situation and also to come together to help one another. we both knew, however, how i felt before i even got here. i thought i could do it. i thought i could put aside my feelings and be thankful for the gift. it's apparent that i can't.

i'm just completely broken and not sure what to do. i still think it's best for everyone in the house if i leave. it might be the middle of october or closer to the end. i will stay to pay the next big elec/water bill which is Oct 15. since i "created" the better part of that bill, i am responsible for it. after that i will have to save and put my money together to get a place.

and then figure out after that how to live without you.

when i got home last night he made me talk to him. i don't even really want to. all he tells me is i need to get over it and embrace what he's offering so i can be successful in the future. so i can move forward in my life. basically what my horoscopes say.

i am not sure where to go from here. i want to get get through the next month and leave. then heal and get on my feet. do it by myself. and purge him from my life. i can't be friends with him. it's just too painful.

right ...

Aquarius
At first it seems like others are encouraging you, but when you actually begin to put your plan into motion, they withdraw and don't show up to help. You cannot effectively go chasing after the approval you want to have today, for it recedes faster the more you pursue it. The urgency is within your mind. Ease up; you have more time than you think.

crazy, i say. just crazy.

i like reading my horoscope at the end of the day to see how accurate (NOT!) it is. amazingly enough my chinese horoscope (i'm the ox) and my zodiac horoscope have been strangely on target. today has to do with asking for piano lessons, going through a lesson, being strongly encouraged and praised, to having that encouragement snatched away like a lion stealing dinner from a lesser animal.

why do i think when he's being nice, that it will last? how many times do i have to have my heart stomped on before i realize that he's simply a control freak and is nice when i'm submissive to him, but a complete ass when i try to stand up for myself? i KNOW this. yet i continue to let him play me like a grand piano. (pun intended)

i'm sick of the roller coaster. he would tell you it's me. the problem is me. i'm the one with mood swings. and that is partially true. he never wants to be accountable for the situations he gives me to deal with. he loves to claim innocence in all things; that he's just "keepin it real." yea, whatever.

his best friend looked up (stalked) a former girlfriend from 20 years ago. it's a negative situation as far as i'm concerned - his wife and her husband do not know that they have been getting together for lunch once a week. (for the record i think that is fucked up.) but all of the sudden he (my *roommate*) has been having ex girlfriends over for dinner and last night he went to spend the evening with yet another one. WTH? i mean, we should all have a bbq. him and all his ex girlfriends. it's insane. it's like they are going through some stupid mid-life crisis and looking to relive the past. of course all his ex girlfriends have "beautiful souls" .. except me that is. i guess i'm just fat hag nag. at least that's what i hear.

this whole adventure was supposed to be the beginning of a new life, right? happiness. joy. contentment. well what the hell happened? because i'm not having very much fun right now.

pain

Tuesday, September 8

Dramatic changes are coming in your love life as a result of changing values, changes in friendships, or changes in your beliefs about "right and wrong". You may be growing toward a better understanding, or are growing apart from someone who has chosen to stay frozen in the past.

that couldn't be more on target. i just read it.

when i got home tonight, there was another car in the driveway. i pulled in behind it.

when i came in, i saw a woman sitting very close to john on the couch. he introduced her to me as "rachel." from what i remember, this person and he were friends when he and i were together in the past. several times when he would call me on the phone she would come over. they are also "exs".

she is also obviously very close to john's son. as i write this they are all sitting in the living room, laughing, playing, joking and having a great time. they ordered pizza. they did *kind of* invite me. as in "um, did you want any of this?"

no. no thanks.

i'll take my heart break with my diet pepsi in my room.

happy monday, right?

geez is it really august already? yikes. where has this year gone?

crazy to think that i had been unemployed since the middle of february until two weeks ago. and the holidays are right around the corner.

glad the weekend is over. i get bored out of my mind sitting in my room at the house watching movies. at least this week i will have the computer and cable. that, at least, gives me more options of things to do until i get on my feet financially.

it's been very hot here. i'm not used to the humidity. i am trying to stay cool as best as i can. i know it affects sienna, too.

i took a bunch of pics of the house and my room this weekend and as soon as i get the internet (wednesday) i will be able to put them up. kind of gives an idea of where i live.

the fallout from the drama on thursday/friday continues. haven't spoken to john since last week. he worked all weekend (driving) and was home last night but i was already asleep. i know he leaves again tomorrow morning. i dread going home after work and if it wasn't for feeding sienna, i would stay somewhere late so i could avoid the harshness and being ignored. unfortunately, that is not an option. such is the end of hopes and dreams. good that i learned it soon, rather than later.

adam continues to call and beg me for money on his books. i'm just not doing it anymore. i am so tired of this endless circle. i got a strange phone call from someone last night who said that adam had a message for me that he went to the infirmary and needed me to put $80 on this books. yea, right. not going to happen. he has his parole hearing this week and i would imagine in a week or two (or when a bed is available) he'll be going to a halfway house. how did i not give my son the tools to grow up and be responsible? did i not set an example? i guess he chose his father's example instead.

tears

i cried last night when i knew my beloved Myca was gone. there was no other option but still i feel i failed.

i'm feeling like i'm failing at everything these days.

my living situation has turned toxic. john is no longer speaking to me after the huge argument we had yesterday morning. when i got home from work he and his son were gone. i went to bed about 8pm. they hadn't returned. i would assume they stayed out specifically to avoid me. this morning i got up for work and he was sitting in the living room, but didn't say a word to me. he leaves this morning to be on the road until wednesday morning. then he's home again until friday morning. i am going to be looking for apartments although that's probably not a smart idea until i have a permanent job, but i have to do something.

i can't live like this.

when i get to the point that i think "death" is the better option, i know i have to make changes.

on the other hand, i am mapping directions to the beach. i am going to the beach this weekend. i need the relaxation and meditation. yay! beach!!

not happening

so. here's the deal.

any idea that i had that john and i may eventually work things out as far as a relationship was shot to hell last night during a conversation that he and i had. in it he said, "you will never be my girlfriend ..." in reference to the fact that i can't take his "straight shooting." he may be honest, but his delivery sucks. and he offers continual unsolicited advice. if you don't take it and act on it in the way he thinks is best for you, he gets angry. he's always right about EVERYTHING. he doesn't look at a person's feelings, but bases his opinions on what he believes is truth ~ whether or not it really IS the truth.

it's frustrating. i feel as if i'm walking on egg shells all the time. i'm tired of hearing about how his son hates Sienna. i'm tired of hearing about all the bad parts of me. if i wanted that i would have stayed at my last job in colorado. i'm tired of hearing what i am doing wrong. i'm tired of hearing that most of what i think and feel is wrong.

this is partially my fault because i came out here with the wrong intentions. i was hoping that he and i could work towards something. my first mistake. but the thing is, and it's glaring, he can't accept me for who i am and the way i am. he's always trying to change something about me. and it's painful.

i realize that the price i have to pay for living at his house is too great. so now, once again, i find myself facing major decisions. do i stay in california? do i move back to colorado where job prospects are nil? do i consider moving to washington?

*sigh*