hope?

yea so this week i found out that my unemployment runs out in three weeks. 

as of this minute i am overdrawn in my checking account.

i don't have a dime to my name.

i am on "e" in my car.

i have minimal food.

i don't get paid again until the 27th.  and that will be my last payment from unemployment.

i don't have a job.

i am at the bottom.  truly. 

i don't think i can take anymore.  after the drama of this year, then coming back home, then losing Sienna and now this.  how much, really, can one person take?

*sigh*

Friday, December 18

Your career, business and financial intuition is still on target, even if one or two arrows missed the mark. Overall, you have an increasingly positive track record, but you are finding it hard to believe in yourself. Trust you will be led to solution.

we'll see.

updated

my vet called me friday early evening to let me know that he had gone ahead and opened Sienna up.  he wanted to let me know that i had made the right decision .. her pancreas was completely calcified and there was a large mass on it that was cancerous. 

he said she wouldn't have had that much longer to live and that this type of cancer was very uncommon.  he said i prevented her from any kind of suffering and that it was most definitely the humane thing to do for her.

that doesn't make it easier.  well, maybe a little.

i dream about her.  the other night i dreamed she was sleeping next to me and i was running my fingers through her soft fur.  i woke up and i was rubbing the pillow next to me.  i hope she knows how much i miss her.  i hope she knows how much she was loved.

i hope she knows that she will always live on in my heart.

goodbye, Sienna.

before thanksgiving, sienna was having trouble walking.  she couldn't hold herself up or get up from laying down.  this went on, where she would have good episodes and then bad ones.  i ended up taking her to the vet yesterday because she was becoming more weak. 

they weren't sure what was wrong with her.  after x-rays and blood work, they thought maybe arthritis.  but when i took her home, she couldn't get up at all.  they had been checking her blood sugar and saw it was very very low.  in the 35 - 40 range.  normal for a dog is 80.  they kept her last night and put her on an IV with glucose in it.  this morning her blood sugar was still 38.  they did an ultrasound to find that she has a large mass in her pancreas area.  they believe (without doing a biopsy) that it's cancer because of the placement and size.

i have to go down to the vet today at 11:00 and have her put to sleep.  i am destroyed.

she has been my constant companion for 11 years.  she has been with me through everything i've endured the last few years.  every day when i had my wound dressing changed she would lay on the bed with me and rest her chin on my arm as if to comfort and protect me.  every time i cried she was right next to me.

i will write more when i can do so without tears streaming down my face.

sienna ~ when i called you the best. dog. ever.  i meant it.  you have been a complete joy to me, always.  such a good girl.  while you didn't always listen, you had your silly eyebrows and your cute face to make me smile.  i love you so so much.  i can't believe i won't snuggle in bed with you tonight getting doggy kisses on my face. 

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.  There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.  There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor.  Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance.

Her bright eyes are intent. Her eager body quivers. Suddenly she begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, her legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.  The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

If It Should Be

Author Unknown.

If it should be that I grow weak,

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand;

Don't let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years -

What is to come can hold no fears.

You'd not want me to suffer so;

The time has come, so let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend

And please stay with me until the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve - it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We've been so close, we two, these years -

Don't let your heart hold back its tears

Sienna

10.18.98 - 12.11.09