i cried last night when i knew my beloved Myca was gone. there was no other option but still i feel i failed.
i'm feeling like i'm failing at everything these days.
my living situation has turned toxic. john is no longer speaking to me after the huge argument we had yesterday morning. when i got home from work he and his son were gone. i went to bed about 8pm. they hadn't returned. i would assume they stayed out specifically to avoid me. this morning i got up for work and he was sitting in the living room, but didn't say a word to me. he leaves this morning to be on the road until wednesday morning. then he's home again until friday morning. i am going to be looking for apartments although that's probably not a smart idea until i have a permanent job, but i have to do something.
i can't live like this.
when i get to the point that i think "death" is the better option, i know i have to make changes.
on the other hand, i am mapping directions to the beach. i am going to the beach this weekend. i need the relaxation and meditation. yay! beach!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
goodbye
mr. myca
mr. handsome
i am so so sorry that i could not bring you with me. every day i ask myself if it were possible and i just don't think you would have made the trip in the heat. sienna barely did. having no air conditioning and 110 degree temperatures, i think would have been very hard on you. plus where i live? they don't like dogs and like cats even less.
i am sorry i failed you as a pet owner. i'm sorry that i gave you a wonderful home where you were happy and loved ~ and i didn't do more to secure that for you. i know you've been through a lot in your life and while i don't know all the details, i want you to know i love you so much. i'm really do. you are the coolest cat i've ever known. and i just want you to know that i will miss you every day.
i know you will find a good home and a lasting home. please don't be mad at me. please forgive me for letting you down. please don't forget sienna and me.
i love you.
your pet mom
mr. handsome
i am so so sorry that i could not bring you with me. every day i ask myself if it were possible and i just don't think you would have made the trip in the heat. sienna barely did. having no air conditioning and 110 degree temperatures, i think would have been very hard on you. plus where i live? they don't like dogs and like cats even less.
i am sorry i failed you as a pet owner. i'm sorry that i gave you a wonderful home where you were happy and loved ~ and i didn't do more to secure that for you. i know you've been through a lot in your life and while i don't know all the details, i want you to know i love you so much. i'm really do. you are the coolest cat i've ever known. and i just want you to know that i will miss you every day.
i know you will find a good home and a lasting home. please don't be mad at me. please forgive me for letting you down. please don't forget sienna and me.
i love you.
your pet mom
not happening
so. here's the deal.
any idea that i had that john and i may eventually work things out as far as a relationship was shot to hell last night during a conversation that he and i had. in it he said, "you will never be my girlfriend ..." in reference to the fact that i can't take his "straight shooting." he may be honest, but his delivery sucks. and he offers continual unsolicited advice. if you don't take it and act on it in the way he thinks is best for you, he gets angry. he's always right about EVERYTHING. he doesn't look at a person's feelings, but bases his opinions on what he believes is truth ~ whether or not it really IS the truth.
it's frustrating. i feel as if i'm walking on egg shells all the time. i'm tired of hearing about how his son hates Sienna. i'm tired of hearing about all the bad parts of me. if i wanted that i would have stayed at my last job in colorado. i'm tired of hearing what i am doing wrong. i'm tired of hearing that most of what i think and feel is wrong.
this is partially my fault because i came out here with the wrong intentions. i was hoping that he and i could work towards something. my first mistake. but the thing is, and it's glaring, he can't accept me for who i am and the way i am. he's always trying to change something about me. and it's painful.
i realize that the price i have to pay for living at his house is too great. so now, once again, i find myself facing major decisions. do i stay in california? do i move back to colorado where job prospects are nil? do i consider moving to washington?
*sigh*
any idea that i had that john and i may eventually work things out as far as a relationship was shot to hell last night during a conversation that he and i had. in it he said, "you will never be my girlfriend ..." in reference to the fact that i can't take his "straight shooting." he may be honest, but his delivery sucks. and he offers continual unsolicited advice. if you don't take it and act on it in the way he thinks is best for you, he gets angry. he's always right about EVERYTHING. he doesn't look at a person's feelings, but bases his opinions on what he believes is truth ~ whether or not it really IS the truth.
it's frustrating. i feel as if i'm walking on egg shells all the time. i'm tired of hearing about how his son hates Sienna. i'm tired of hearing about all the bad parts of me. if i wanted that i would have stayed at my last job in colorado. i'm tired of hearing what i am doing wrong. i'm tired of hearing that most of what i think and feel is wrong.
this is partially my fault because i came out here with the wrong intentions. i was hoping that he and i could work towards something. my first mistake. but the thing is, and it's glaring, he can't accept me for who i am and the way i am. he's always trying to change something about me. and it's painful.
i realize that the price i have to pay for living at his house is too great. so now, once again, i find myself facing major decisions. do i stay in california? do i move back to colorado where job prospects are nil? do i consider moving to washington?
*sigh*
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
sore
i am sore all over from the fall out of the bed yesterday.
my wrist hurts. i have bruises all over my abdomen. my pinky toe is now black and blue down the side of my foot. i have scrapes/bruises on my knees. i wonder what i was thinking or doing in my dream that caused me to throw myself off the bed .. if i didn't feel like such crap, it would be funny. i can admit it.
things at the house are tentative at best. there is no consistency and anyone who knows me would is aware that nothing more causes me anxiety and stress than lack of it. the *deal* about him cooking and me cleaning has partially fallen by the wayside ~ the part about him cooking. that lasted about two weeks. i think because his work schedule is changing that he's slacking in anticipation. it's ok. i will get my first real check this weekend and i will buy stuff for sandwiches and put it in MY little fridge so i can have stuff for lunch. i do not want to go back to eating fast food three times a day.
other than that, driving to work this morning i was thinking wow. i'm in california. the highways are really pretty here as they are mostly tree lined. the drivers here are insane but i think i knew that's how it was going to be. am i completely happy and content? no. there is too much unsettled back in colorado that has me worried. there is also a lack of "belongingness" here for me but i suspect that will diminsh after a while.
i miss my friends though. very much.
my wrist hurts. i have bruises all over my abdomen. my pinky toe is now black and blue down the side of my foot. i have scrapes/bruises on my knees. i wonder what i was thinking or doing in my dream that caused me to throw myself off the bed .. if i didn't feel like such crap, it would be funny. i can admit it.
things at the house are tentative at best. there is no consistency and anyone who knows me would is aware that nothing more causes me anxiety and stress than lack of it. the *deal* about him cooking and me cleaning has partially fallen by the wayside ~ the part about him cooking. that lasted about two weeks. i think because his work schedule is changing that he's slacking in anticipation. it's ok. i will get my first real check this weekend and i will buy stuff for sandwiches and put it in MY little fridge so i can have stuff for lunch. i do not want to go back to eating fast food three times a day.
other than that, driving to work this morning i was thinking wow. i'm in california. the highways are really pretty here as they are mostly tree lined. the drivers here are insane but i think i knew that's how it was going to be. am i completely happy and content? no. there is too much unsettled back in colorado that has me worried. there is also a lack of "belongingness" here for me but i suspect that will diminsh after a while.
i miss my friends though. very much.
Monday, July 27, 2009
whatever
i'm having a frustrating day today.
it started when i was rudely awaken at 3:30 am as i was falling out of bed. i was on my back (i'm guessing) and rolled over onto my right side but must have been on the edge of the bed. i woke mid-air right before my knees slammed into the hardwood floors and as my left foot slid to the left, slamming into the metal foot of a stand that is in my room.
i believe i have broken at least 2, if not three, toes. my foot is throbbing, my toes are black and blue.
then, i find out that i must pay a surrender fee to the no-kill organization (Every Creature Counts) that i adopted Myca from. now let me get this. i paid to adopt him. i pay to relinquish him? i don't recall that being in the original contract. and if i could afford to pay to surrender him, wouldn't i be keeping him? the situation is not one that i wanted to have happen. i didn't get him on a whim and am returning him. i couldn't take him with me. there was no way possible for that to happen. my life changed in an instant ~ and i lost almost everything that means something to me. now ~ because i can't afford a fee ~ i have to just have him turned loose on the street? or taken to the humane society or ASPCA and drop him off anonymously? *sigh*
they should change their name to Not Every Creature Counts.
i am sick to my stomach.
things are also stressful at the house. my "roommate" (that is what he calls me now) is nice and kind one day, and an ass the next. any hope of this being some kind of reconciliation has flown out the window on the tail of a 747. i'm tired of mixed messages. i'm tired of getting berated. i'm tired of being treated like i am the maid.
i'm kind of at the end of my rope these days and wondering WTF? really?
it started when i was rudely awaken at 3:30 am as i was falling out of bed. i was on my back (i'm guessing) and rolled over onto my right side but must have been on the edge of the bed. i woke mid-air right before my knees slammed into the hardwood floors and as my left foot slid to the left, slamming into the metal foot of a stand that is in my room.
i believe i have broken at least 2, if not three, toes. my foot is throbbing, my toes are black and blue.
then, i find out that i must pay a surrender fee to the no-kill organization (Every Creature Counts) that i adopted Myca from. now let me get this. i paid to adopt him. i pay to relinquish him? i don't recall that being in the original contract. and if i could afford to pay to surrender him, wouldn't i be keeping him? the situation is not one that i wanted to have happen. i didn't get him on a whim and am returning him. i couldn't take him with me. there was no way possible for that to happen. my life changed in an instant ~ and i lost almost everything that means something to me. now ~ because i can't afford a fee ~ i have to just have him turned loose on the street? or taken to the humane society or ASPCA and drop him off anonymously? *sigh*
they should change their name to Not Every Creature Counts.
i am sick to my stomach.
things are also stressful at the house. my "roommate" (that is what he calls me now) is nice and kind one day, and an ass the next. any hope of this being some kind of reconciliation has flown out the window on the tail of a 747. i'm tired of mixed messages. i'm tired of getting berated. i'm tired of being treated like i am the maid.
i'm kind of at the end of my rope these days and wondering WTF? really?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
btw ~ update
my son is back in jail for those wondering.
parole violation (no new charges). this means he will be going back to a half-way house for the remainder of his 180 day turn around. he will be released from the half-way house sometime in january.
he's off paper in april.
he's planning on leaving the state after that.
my friends had to pack up the rest of my things and move it into storage (he was supposed to do it but obviously chose another path). just a big 'ole mess.
parole violation (no new charges). this means he will be going back to a half-way house for the remainder of his 180 day turn around. he will be released from the half-way house sometime in january.
he's off paper in april.
he's planning on leaving the state after that.
my friends had to pack up the rest of my things and move it into storage (he was supposed to do it but obviously chose another path). just a big 'ole mess.
scary
one of the strangest things that i've encountered since i've been on the west coast is motorcycle drivers. in colorado, they are required to operate their bike in a lane. in cali, they can drive on the dotted white line BETWEEN the cars.
the first time i saw someone do this i about had a heart attack. then i was told that it's legal in cali. really? legal to kill yourself on a bike?
every day now, during my commute, i see 7 - 10 motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic and driving in between cars that are stopped and/or barely moving. it is the craziest and probably most dangerous thing i've witnessed in a long time. one slight move of a vehicle and you're toast. it's insane.
i'm half-way through the 23rd day of my adventure. the honeymoon is definitely over. it's an adjustment with my living situation. it's an adjustment commuting 25 miles to work. it's an adjustment with the humidity. it's an adjustment with the traffic.
some days i'm so happy to be here. i swear i can smell the ocean when the breeze is blowing. then there are days i feel i made a huge mistake. and i feel stuck.
and very alone.
i am homesick. i miss my friends. i miss my son and grandson. i miss my cat.
the first time i saw someone do this i about had a heart attack. then i was told that it's legal in cali. really? legal to kill yourself on a bike?
every day now, during my commute, i see 7 - 10 motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic and driving in between cars that are stopped and/or barely moving. it is the craziest and probably most dangerous thing i've witnessed in a long time. one slight move of a vehicle and you're toast. it's insane.
i'm half-way through the 23rd day of my adventure. the honeymoon is definitely over. it's an adjustment with my living situation. it's an adjustment commuting 25 miles to work. it's an adjustment with the humidity. it's an adjustment with the traffic.
some days i'm so happy to be here. i swear i can smell the ocean when the breeze is blowing. then there are days i feel i made a huge mistake. and i feel stuck.
and very alone.
i am homesick. i miss my friends. i miss my son and grandson. i miss my cat.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
it's me
i am back (sort of).
we still do not have internet at home (i will be getting that next week).
whew. quite an adjustment moving to california. the drive was pretty uneventful EXCEPT for the un-godly temperatures throughout utah and nevada. i would guess there were times it was in the upper 110s while we were driving. sienna had a really hard time of it. i kept water in the back seat for her and tried to keep her as cool as i could. when we got to St. George, UT the hotel desk clerk told me it was 110. i really thought i was in hell. ugh. i was surprised at my little car. it made it through some pretty big hills to get us there.
i got to my destination about 5:30ish on the 1st of July. hard to go back and remember all the little nuances of things but it was good to see john and meet his son. ackward, yes. but we unpacked my car and i tried to get settled into my room.
the first few days he drove me around a little so i could get my bearings. my biggest challenge is directions i.e., which way is west? in colorado my whole life .. you looked for the mountains and that was west. everything else was easy to figure out. here, there are mountains (not like the Rockies) all around, so which way is west? north? i try to gauge by where the sun is. i guess i'm like a pioneer. rises in the east and sets in the west.
i've been to the beach twice. once just to see it off the PCH (pacific coast highway) and the other time was on July 4 (which was a disaster / mistake). i was there for all of about 15 minutes to let sienna swim and run through the surf. she had fun but we left. we did not go prepared. we didn't have anything there (blankets, picnic, etc). we didn't even get there until about 3:30 in the afternoon (not my choice). i will get there again sometime.
this is to be continued ... but i am working (temp job but it's good and i like it). i only have 30 min for lunch so i will finish this week!
miss you all!
we still do not have internet at home (i will be getting that next week).
whew. quite an adjustment moving to california. the drive was pretty uneventful EXCEPT for the un-godly temperatures throughout utah and nevada. i would guess there were times it was in the upper 110s while we were driving. sienna had a really hard time of it. i kept water in the back seat for her and tried to keep her as cool as i could. when we got to St. George, UT the hotel desk clerk told me it was 110. i really thought i was in hell. ugh. i was surprised at my little car. it made it through some pretty big hills to get us there.
i got to my destination about 5:30ish on the 1st of July. hard to go back and remember all the little nuances of things but it was good to see john and meet his son. ackward, yes. but we unpacked my car and i tried to get settled into my room.
the first few days he drove me around a little so i could get my bearings. my biggest challenge is directions i.e., which way is west? in colorado my whole life .. you looked for the mountains and that was west. everything else was easy to figure out. here, there are mountains (not like the Rockies) all around, so which way is west? north? i try to gauge by where the sun is. i guess i'm like a pioneer. rises in the east and sets in the west.
i've been to the beach twice. once just to see it off the PCH (pacific coast highway) and the other time was on July 4 (which was a disaster / mistake). i was there for all of about 15 minutes to let sienna swim and run through the surf. she had fun but we left. we did not go prepared. we didn't have anything there (blankets, picnic, etc). we didn't even get there until about 3:30 in the afternoon (not my choice). i will get there again sometime.
this is to be continued ... but i am working (temp job but it's good and i like it). i only have 30 min for lunch so i will finish this week!
miss you all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)