tears

i cried last night when i knew my beloved Myca was gone. there was no other option but still i feel i failed.

i'm feeling like i'm failing at everything these days.

my living situation has turned toxic. john is no longer speaking to me after the huge argument we had yesterday morning. when i got home from work he and his son were gone. i went to bed about 8pm. they hadn't returned. i would assume they stayed out specifically to avoid me. this morning i got up for work and he was sitting in the living room, but didn't say a word to me. he leaves this morning to be on the road until wednesday morning. then he's home again until friday morning. i am going to be looking for apartments although that's probably not a smart idea until i have a permanent job, but i have to do something.

i can't live like this.

when i get to the point that i think "death" is the better option, i know i have to make changes.

on the other hand, i am mapping directions to the beach. i am going to the beach this weekend. i need the relaxation and meditation. yay! beach!!