RIP farrah fawcett and michael jackson. what a day. i know farrah was suffering from cancer and since the documentary about her treatment, she has been sicker than ever. not unexpected news to hear, but very sad, nonetheless. she was a beautiful woman and very brave & strong during her treatment. i'm sure ryan o'neal, alana stewart and her son redmond are deeply saddened at her passing, but grateful that she is no longer in pain.
michael jackson ~ that is a shock.
kind of makes the stresses of my day pointless to talk about. still days behind on what i need to get done, still incredibly stressed out, still feel lost and wandering aimlessly, but thankful that i am alive and about to start a new adventure.
life is short. life is precious. hold on tightly to your loved ones.
5:27pm
Thursday, June 25, 2009
reallignment
finally received my unemployment.
you can't imagine the utter relief i felt when i checked my bank balance and the deposit was in there. doesn't negate the fact that i am two days behind on the things i needed to get done before i leave on sunday. that means the next three days are going to be incredibly busy.
three days. wow. in three days i will be leaving the place i've lived for 41 years. as i have driven around the last few days i keep saying to myself, "this is the last time i will drive on this road" or "this is the last time i will see this view." it is bittersweet.
i guess i should get busy. i packed my makeup mirror so i'm kinda mad at myself about that. ugh.
onward and upward, right?
6:32am
you can't imagine the utter relief i felt when i checked my bank balance and the deposit was in there. doesn't negate the fact that i am two days behind on the things i needed to get done before i leave on sunday. that means the next three days are going to be incredibly busy.
three days. wow. in three days i will be leaving the place i've lived for 41 years. as i have driven around the last few days i keep saying to myself, "this is the last time i will drive on this road" or "this is the last time i will see this view." it is bittersweet.
i guess i should get busy. i packed my makeup mirror so i'm kinda mad at myself about that. ugh.
onward and upward, right?
6:32am
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
parole update
something i failed to mention in my earlier post was that his parole officer said that IF he quit missing his monday night classes and IF he started going to NA / AA meetings on his own and IF he gets a job right away, that she will make the recommendation for him to continue on ISP (intensive supervised parole) rather than going back to the half way house.
he has to grow up and make his own decisions. he HAS to do this on his own. i can't help him any longer. i can listen and be supportive emotionally, but there is nothing i can do for him. he has to choose to go to classes. he has to choose to go to NA meetings. he has to choose to get (and keep) a job. all of this is on him.
the things that i will be giving him are things i don't care if i lose IF he ends up going back to a half-way house. his girlfriend is willing to take the items but if she doesn't, then it's fine. i'm ok with that.
i did not need this stress this week. he is meeting with his parole officer as we speak (he had to be there at 8:00am) so i guess i will find out in a few hours what's up.
9:07am
he has to grow up and make his own decisions. he HAS to do this on his own. i can't help him any longer. i can listen and be supportive emotionally, but there is nothing i can do for him. he has to choose to go to classes. he has to choose to go to NA meetings. he has to choose to get (and keep) a job. all of this is on him.
the things that i will be giving him are things i don't care if i lose IF he ends up going back to a half-way house. his girlfriend is willing to take the items but if she doesn't, then it's fine. i'm ok with that.
i did not need this stress this week. he is meeting with his parole officer as we speak (he had to be there at 8:00am) so i guess i will find out in a few hours what's up.
9:07am
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
really?
as it is with my life, if things are going too good, something will happen to blast that to smithereens.
my son's parole officer showed up tonight. that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. it is what they are supposed to do. and frankly, i've been surprised that she hasn't been here before tonight. she also came rather late (9:30 pm) which surprised me.
apparently, he had a hot UA. this was news to me as he didn't tell me. needless to say, i was livid. i thought the stress of everything was over. now i'm wondering what i should do. should i put ALL of my stuff into storage? she's taking him before the parole board, which will happen in about a month. if he goes back to a half-way house, then what happens to all of my things? this begs the decision that i will not give him anything to take to his apartment that i won't mind losing.
i just can't, for the life of me, figure out why he can't do the right thing. he's a bright kid. he's a con artist. he's a consummate liar. he's a manipulator. he just chooses to do the wrong thing all the time for the instant gratification.
there is a part of me that is glad to be going away so i don't have to deal with this anymore. my heart, mind, body and soul can't take it. i literally thought i was going to have a heart attack tonight. i love him, but i can't do this anymore.
11:33pm mst
my son's parole officer showed up tonight. that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. it is what they are supposed to do. and frankly, i've been surprised that she hasn't been here before tonight. she also came rather late (9:30 pm) which surprised me.
apparently, he had a hot UA. this was news to me as he didn't tell me. needless to say, i was livid. i thought the stress of everything was over. now i'm wondering what i should do. should i put ALL of my stuff into storage? she's taking him before the parole board, which will happen in about a month. if he goes back to a half-way house, then what happens to all of my things? this begs the decision that i will not give him anything to take to his apartment that i won't mind losing.
i just can't, for the life of me, figure out why he can't do the right thing. he's a bright kid. he's a con artist. he's a consummate liar. he's a manipulator. he just chooses to do the wrong thing all the time for the instant gratification.
there is a part of me that is glad to be going away so i don't have to deal with this anymore. my heart, mind, body and soul can't take it. i literally thought i was going to have a heart attack tonight. i love him, but i can't do this anymore.
11:33pm mst
craziness
so the last few days have been spent going through boxes, sorting out clothes to go to storage, clothes i'm taking with me and clothes for the yard sale this weekend. i am exhausted. because most of my stuff is going into storage, i have to put everything in boxes. not like i can take a handful of clothes on hangers and throw them in the back seat.
as the days pass i'm filled with mixed emotions. i'm so sad to be leaving colorado and my son. i'm so sad to be leaving my grandson. i'm so sad to be leaving my friends Tuesday, Nicole, Agnes, Jamie, Carolyn, Mary Jo, Gloria and Kim. i love them all so very much.
by the same token, i'm so excited to be going to where i can go to the beach whenever i want. where i can see dolphins playing in the ocean. where i can spend time with my friend John ~ who is still the love of my life ~ but i am content with the closeness and friendship we share.
it is time for me to cut the apron strings and make my son stand on his own two feet. it's time he grows up and takes care of himself. it's a time that will make or break him. he will either do what he needs to do to be responsible and take care of his own life, or he will end up living a life in and out of prison. he has a lot to be working towards. his son, for starters. second, he has a nice girl in his life but i know (and he knows) if he fucks up she won't wait.
and it's me time. time for me to lose weight and get healthy. time for me to focus on ME. time for me to take care of me and do the things i've wanted to do. if 50 (three years away) is the new 30 .. i have a lot of time ahead of me to experience all that life has to offer.
everything is changing and i'm ready to get on that ride. it's been a long time coming.
as the days pass i'm filled with mixed emotions. i'm so sad to be leaving colorado and my son. i'm so sad to be leaving my grandson. i'm so sad to be leaving my friends Tuesday, Nicole, Agnes, Jamie, Carolyn, Mary Jo, Gloria and Kim. i love them all so very much.
by the same token, i'm so excited to be going to where i can go to the beach whenever i want. where i can see dolphins playing in the ocean. where i can spend time with my friend John ~ who is still the love of my life ~ but i am content with the closeness and friendship we share.
it is time for me to cut the apron strings and make my son stand on his own two feet. it's time he grows up and takes care of himself. it's a time that will make or break him. he will either do what he needs to do to be responsible and take care of his own life, or he will end up living a life in and out of prison. he has a lot to be working towards. his son, for starters. second, he has a nice girl in his life but i know (and he knows) if he fucks up she won't wait.
and it's me time. time for me to lose weight and get healthy. time for me to focus on ME. time for me to take care of me and do the things i've wanted to do. if 50 (three years away) is the new 30 .. i have a lot of time ahead of me to experience all that life has to offer.
everything is changing and i'm ready to get on that ride. it's been a long time coming.
Monday, June 22, 2009
going west
this blog will be about my journey ~ moving to california after living in colorado all my life. 40 something and changing my entire universe in a matter of weeks.
this is the first day of the rest of my new life.
this is the first day of the rest of my new life.
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