sorry!

was pretty busy over the weekend.

and yesterday, was completely absorbed by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's performance of "Shallow" at the Oscars.

wow.  just wow.

i never really followed her, but have been listening non-stop to the soundtrack. Bradley Cooper's singing is amazing as well.

i'm in ASIB land.

i mean really?  I'll Never Love ..... *sigh*

fuck that manager

A Star Is Born

happiness *hack*

bravo.

i really needed to hear this today. 

i mean, really. 

this is why i was trying to do the love note thingy.  but 20 in 52 days is not a great ratio.

but i'm going to keep trying. 

love note #20

i love him.

always did.  always will.

if i was rich

holy crap!!!

this looks so bad ass!

been a Samsung Galaxy fan since the S4. 

of course, however, i won't be ordering this up anytime soon, even though  i have excellent credit with t-mobile and have been a customer of theirs for 17 years.   that would be an additional approximate $82.50 for a monthly payment on top of the phone service.  with the S9 right now, i pay an additional $28.  yea, i can't come up with an additional $55. 

but it's nice to dream. 

WOW

well ....

it's always a good day when you get to work and realize your sweater is inside out.

😲😂😂😂

ludicrous

this is the most asinine thing i've heard today. 

in WHAT universe does a sports figure, athlete, etc. warrant making $300 million fucking dollars, when teachers are striking for fair pay?  when the government was shut down and 800,000 workers went a month without pay?  when there are homeless people?  when there are kids that go to bed hungry every night?

and he's 26 years old!!???

our world is so fucked up. 

it's pathetic.

love note #19

this is an amazing story and amazing human being.

this made me smile and reinforces that there are a lot of good people out there.

thank you Cpl. Fleming.

it's okay

it's a good day so far.

7 degrees F outside right now and light snow.  i'm all bundled up in fleece leggings, boots, a big fluffy sweater and a scarf.  i love dressing like this - that's why i like it when it's cold outside.

had a fairy productive weekend.  the usual domestic stuff - cleaning, laundry, etc.  worked out. 

i watched a few movies that i haven't seen in a while (nothing new interests me too much).

In the Valley of Elah
i love this movie.  always have. 

Traffic
so intense and the performance by Erika Christensen was powerful. 

Underworld
this is my most favorite movie franchise.  i mean really, who doesn't want to be Selene?  she's a bad ass.

also watched the 2nd to the last episode of True Detective Season 3.  this has been an great installment.  the first season was the best.  i liked the second season where most people didn't.  i really like 💜 Colin Farrell.  but season 3 is intense.  can't wait for next sunday.

happy monday.

(goal for the week:  no negative posts)  😉

pie

my samsung galaxy s9 had a major update this morning. 

when will i learn to READ the internet first before updating?  what a colossal cluster fuck. 

speed is slow.  battery drain is a huge problem.  you can no longer swipe text, which is the way i have texted for years.  why take that away??  bixby is unable to be disabled.  all icons were different.  no ability to change the way text messagex look, i.e. the background and bubbles.  the entire look of my phone changed to the point that i may consider switching to another brand and i have had samsung galaxy s phones since 3. 

i spent over three hours this morning researching to find out how to fix some of these things.  i was researching on my tablet and with three hours of using my phone to change settings, i went from 100% battery to 45%.  wtf.

why.  just why?  *sigh*

what i feel

my depression is getting worse as each day passes.

it's a sad state of affairs when i can't even fit in on line - always an outcast, outsider, etc.  i wasn't good at social media (hence no FB, Insta, Twitter, etc.) in the recent past.  so i quit all of it because rejection is rejection no matter where it's coming from and it's hard to take.

it gets to the point where i care so little about everything.  i'm tired of being financially strapped.  i'm tired of struggling.  i'm tired of being so stressed about taxes and debt.

i haven't been focused at work.

i haven't been focused on anything, really.

i have pushed away every friend i've ever had ~ i guess because they can't live up to the impossible standards i put on people and myself.  i can't even live up to them.

i guess the isolation i'm in at work is getting to me too.  everyone now pretty much works remotely, so i'm the only one that comes into this big office every day.  when the lease is up, i have no idea what's going to happen to me.  i keep telling myself i should look for something else; however, i never have the energy to do it.

i need to force myself to look this weekend.

i'm also at the lowest weight i've been in 20 years, even after my gastric bypass in 2015.  i got to a certain place and then plateaued, and then gained 40lbs back.  so i lost that 40 lbs plus 5 more so there's that.  why do i still look the same in the mirror?  i mean 45 lbs is a lot ~  yet i don't see it.

i am fucked up. 

__________________________________
lizzy,

i too tried to post a comment but blogger wouldn't let me.   i just wanted to say thanks for reaching out and checking in.  i wouldn't have imagined anyone would have even noticed.  it sure makes a difference when you're in a dark place that someone, even a stranger, cares.  thank you.  💜

!!!!!!!!!

gawd i hate this motherfucking piece of shit.

what happened to Mexico paying for his stupid wall??  and his stupid wall isn't going to stop drugs coming into this country ... stupid fuck head.

GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

big mistake

i can't believe that the dems actually broke down the stronghold and gave The Chump money for the wall.

i am stunned actually.  because basically now, what they did, was feed into the rhetoric that there is DANGER DANGER at the border and it's a national security crisis.  which isn't true.  nothing has changed from the way it's been for years.  it's Chump's way of feeding his racist cronies and supporters.

and you just fucking gave into him.

what. the. hell.

can i move to Canada please?

murder

murdering piece of shit. 

my god what is wrong with people.  to smile, laugh and pose with something you just killed.  for no fucking reason.  cruel, sadistic bastard.

every day i just think this world is so fucked up and it's not going to get any better.

what is the point?

omg!!

this is the biggest bunch of bullshit, EVER!!!

fucking racist bastard assholes!!!!!

always cry

no matter how many times i've seen it. 

which is at least 50 times.

i always sob whren the white men kill Two Socks.  always. 

Dances With Wolves

agree 100%

this

agree.

so yet ANOTHER tainted SB win for the Cheatriots.  imagine my surprise.  this is their what, fourth?  yea. 

dynasty my ass. 

oh yea, maybe for cheating.

and another ..

and i could publish stories like this EVERY SINGLE DAY.

where was "god" when this 4 month old baby was sitting in a chair swing in the same damn diaper for 9 fucking days while his skin ruptured and he died from an e. coli infection?  the diaper was filled with MAGGOTS???  this baby SUFFERED.

i hope this bitch is beat every single day she is in prison for the rest of her miserable life.

happy friday

it is bitter cold here!

i love it.  when i woke up this morning, the temp on my phone was 0 degrees F. 

this is what i love about winter.  warm snuggly blankets.  thick cozy sweaters.  boots with thick socks.  scarves.  gloves. 

toddler busy again

another temper tantrum and finger pointing.

is he really that fucking stupid.  oh wait, what am i saying?  of course he is.

they didn't do anything to Obama because they didn't have one reason to, unlike YOU, you buffoon.

twitter - PLEASE make it stop. 

again ...

mandatory sterilization for this bitch AND the father. 

ffs what is wrong with people?????

and how DARE the defense attorneys harass and question the 9 year old boy!! 

i tell you THIS shit is why i don't believe there is a "god" or that "God" is real. 

if he is real, why the fuck does he allow this shit to happen to CHILDREN?  day after day you read about despicable behavior like this on children.  if he has the power to STOP it ... why doesn't he?

am i missing something?

wait.

Whitaker says he will not appear before House panel unless he gets guarantee he won't face a subpoena.

um, well, if he doesn't not appear, and they have to subpoena him, that forces him to testify and answer questions, right?  so i'm not getting this. 

he wants a promise that he will not get a subpoena.  so he's going to show, and testify truthfully (bwhahahah for the Chump administration).  as long as he's not subpoenaed to do exactly that. 

so if he does get a subpoena and he doesn't show - then he's in contempt.  right? 

always convoluted, this government.

a miracle?

found this article this morning.

very exciting and hopeful news for those of us who suffer from debilitating depression and suicidal thoughts.  i've suffered from this since i was 16ish.  probably younger, truth be told.

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about suicide.  i've made three attempts.  was found every time (which can really piss you off when you want the pain to stop).

after having my son, while i still thought about it every day, i couldn't do that to him.

after he started getting in trouble with the law, i thought about it more as i felt i somehow failed him (i still think that).

then when i had my beloved chocolate lab, Sienna, while i still thought about it, i couldn't imagine what would have happened to her if i wasn't around, so i couldn't do that to her.

now that i have my silly cat Myca, same thing.  he has so much love in his life from me, that i couldn't imagine what would happen to him.

but the fact remains that i am ALWAYS depressed, always want to die.  i've been on every anti-depressant made.  nothing has ever really worked.  when i go off my meds, it's a death sentence for me.  i can't get out of bed.  i care about nothing.  when i'm on meds, i can function on a daily basis, but i've never been truly happy.  i haven't ever had someone love me, or stick around.

it sounds like ketamine could be an answer (finally).  however, as fucking usual, the fucking pharmaceutical companies are greedy assholes and the treatment will be more expensive than the average person could ever afford.

and if you think about it ... generally speaking, super depressed people are not folks who excel in business, etc.  the majority of people because of their depression, are held back from being successful just because of what depression and severe anxiety do to you.  so the majority of people who would benefit from this treatment, will probably never get it.

so what is the fucking point?  so researchers and patent holders can get rich?  sure, they created the miracle drug.  but most insurance companies are not going to cover it so you're back to that scenario where your life-saving meds are tens of thousands of dollars a month/year.

who exactly does this save?

quiet day

not much to report on today.

nothing positive in the news.  nothing positive personally. 

a million things that incensed me in the news; i.e. Resident Chump, child porn, child sex trafficking, murder of multiple mountain lions in my state and others, etc.

my opinion on the mountain lion thing, if you're going to encroach on THEIR territory by continuing to building in mountain areas, expect to have your pets, yourself attacked.  they are predators and are looking for food.  you're fair game.  it pisses me off when they have to be euthanized.  they are killed just for doing what they were born to do!!

ugh.

oh, it did snow today.  it is still snowing. yay snow!  ⛄

wow

i didn't even realize it's been 4 days since i posted anything.

i guess the weekends i don't normally because i'm not sitting at my desk and usually really busy. 

this weekend i did binge a couple of Netflix shows that were A-MAZ-ING. 

first, i did watch Fluffy's comedy special.  it was pretty funny.  i'd recommend it.  he's always good for a laugh. 

second, i watched this great Netflix Original called Dirty Money.  it covered the big VW diesel emissions scandal, pay day loans, the corrupt pharmaceutical companies and HSBC bank money laundering for the Mexican cartels, and the Canadian Maple Syrup heist.  jaw dropping on all of it.  i refused to watch episode 6 as it is about Resident Chump and his corrupt ass / family.  i don't need more information about what a miscreant he is.   the series was great.

third, i watched Seven Seconds.  this is a very good, intense drama.  i had a lot of questions throughout, that were actually answered in the last episode.  i really liked it.

i have been crazy busy at work.  nary a minute to breathe. 

oh.  and i'm not even going to talk about the Super Bowl.  i am distraught that what's his face now has 6 championship rings like Michael Jordan.  hmmmph. 

i don't even know what's going on in the world of politics as i haven't had time to read the news in two days. 

*whew*

love note #18

i 💜 Logan

help this baby if you can. 

personally, i think the CSU vet department should be donating their services for this little guy.  i think the charges for transporting Logan are outrageous; however, what can you do?