what i feel

my depression is getting worse as each day passes.

it's a sad state of affairs when i can't even fit in on line - always an outcast, outsider, etc.  i wasn't good at social media (hence no FB, Insta, Twitter, etc.) in the recent past.  so i quit all of it because rejection is rejection no matter where it's coming from and it's hard to take.

it gets to the point where i care so little about everything.  i'm tired of being financially strapped.  i'm tired of struggling.  i'm tired of being so stressed about taxes and debt.

i haven't been focused at work.

i haven't been focused on anything, really.

i have pushed away every friend i've ever had ~ i guess because they can't live up to the impossible standards i put on people and myself.  i can't even live up to them.

i guess the isolation i'm in at work is getting to me too.  everyone now pretty much works remotely, so i'm the only one that comes into this big office every day.  when the lease is up, i have no idea what's going to happen to me.  i keep telling myself i should look for something else; however, i never have the energy to do it.

i need to force myself to look this weekend.

i'm also at the lowest weight i've been in 20 years, even after my gastric bypass in 2015.  i got to a certain place and then plateaued, and then gained 40lbs back.  so i lost that 40 lbs plus 5 more so there's that.  why do i still look the same in the mirror?  i mean 45 lbs is a lot ~  yet i don't see it.

i am fucked up. 

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lizzy,

i too tried to post a comment but blogger wouldn't let me.   i just wanted to say thanks for reaching out and checking in.  i wouldn't have imagined anyone would have even noticed.  it sure makes a difference when you're in a dark place that someone, even a stranger, cares.  thank you.  💜