good, bad & ugly

the last few days have been bearable.  i think he's being nice, because he knows i'm leaving.  he's no longer vested, so it's easier for him.

i drove sienna up to Tracy, CO (about 320 miles away) so she could ride back to Colorado with Tuesday and Paul.  this is so i can fit everything in my car and not have to ship anything.  it was a long trip.  she has been walking funny, not being able to lift her back right leg.  i called the vet last week and they told me to give her aspirin and ice the area.  i had done that, but i think being cramped up in the car hurt her more, or caused her to really stiffen up because when we got to Tracy, she couldn't hardly walk.  i was so scared.  she had a rough time going back to CO.  Tuesday, being the wonderful person she is, massaged and iced her leg.  taking good care of her i hear that she is doing much much better today.  i'm so thankful.  i was so scared something was seriously wrong and i might lose her.  i would be absolutely devastated.

wednesday, when i got home from driving (640 miles and 11 hours later), i was asked to help in the kitchen.  that ended up being a good thing.  we worked until about 10 wednesday night, and then started again at 7:00am yesterday.  he is a great cook.  i helped with the preparation of everything.  from scratch we made:

cornbread dressing (cornbread from scratch, not a box)
sweet potato pie (pie crust from scratch, as well as filling)
pinto beans
mac & cheese (oven baked)
mashed potatos
gravy

we had turkey and pork roast.  green beans and corn.  i peeled so many potatoes!  the whole experience was good, i learned a lot about cooking, too.  we had a good day together and i'm glad that my last few days here are going okay instead of all the tension.

i met his mother's best friend and her daughter and family last night when they came over.  it was bittersweet because i've heard about them all so many times over the years.  to meet them 5 days before i leave made me sad.  she told me she's heard so much about me and gave me a huge hug.  i'm sad to not get to know this woman better.  she and john are very close.

i also found an apartment today.  i'm very grateful to Tuesday for her help with that.  it is a huge relief to know i have a place to go when i get back to CO next week.  it's a nice little one bedroom and i got a good deal on it.  i will be doing the paperwork this weekend

now, all i have to worry about is my car getting me 1,200 miles.  it is still not running right and the guy refuses to listen to me that there is a problem.  i was screwed out of $800 and it pisses me off.  if i break down on the way back, well, i can't even say what will happen.

i will finish packing this weekend and plan to head out on Tuesday morning.

7 days and counting ..

Chinese Horoscope: Tuesday, November 24

It will be a day of great personal insights. Some of the best times of personal growth come during challenges. If you find yourself facing a difficult decision today, rejoice! You are being given a special opportunity to make a huge leap forward.

Aquarius

Your dreams can actually help to answer a lingering question today, but you'll need to take the time to explore their symbolism. Even if you cannot remember all the details, your subconscious puts you in touch with what's important now. Your current lesson has to do with how your unfettered imagination can help you create a better future. Remember, what exists in reality begins as a mere thought first.

so as the time is counting down, i'm having more thoughts and events happen to test me and my choices.  i received a phone call today from my recruiter here in California about a permanent job and they really really wanted to interview me.  ironic.  i told her that i was leaving next week.

giving it some thought, even if i did get the job, i would still have to leave this house.  and i don't really want to be in california alone.  and i don't want to be that close to him.  so right, or wrong, my decision has been made.

he and i have had some conversation around the entire situation.  this changes nothing other than clarification and closure for me.  i think he believes that we will continue the friendship after i leave.  i know, however; that will not be happening.

it's all bittersweet.

tomorrow i take Sienna up to Tuesday and Paul (in Tracy, CA) and Sienna will ride home with them.  she is not feeling good.  she fell off the bed the other day onto the hardwood floor.  i think she bruised her tail bone.  she's walking slowly and appears to be in some discomfort.  my vet told me to give her 2 aspirin a day and ice the area.  going to do that now.

it will be extremely hard to leave her.  she is my only comfort here now.  i will miss her so much.

9 and counting ..

Updated:  07:41pm - Chinese Horoscope



Sunday, November 22
You have an opportunity to switch your attention from a friend or companion who is using you to someone who loves and supports you, so why are you still bothering with the old turkey? Maybe you feel sorry for someone who has a mixed up sense of values and priorities. 

um .. WOW? really?  i don't know if that could have been more on target.  sometimes everything just lines up.  

 

i just hope that a) my car runs okay, b) that i get the apartment and c) that i get a job.  fingers and toes crossed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aquarius

The Moon's return to your sign gives you permission to express your feelings, even if they aren't what others might expect. As long as your intentions are good, it's not your responsibility to hide your emotions just because someone else may be uncomfortable with them. However, this isn't a free license to spew your unconventional thoughts helter-skelter. Being considerate may alter your words, but it doesn't have to change your truth.

my intentions have always been good, not having any ulterior motives.  and hiding my emotions has never been one of my strong points.   i wear my heart on my sleeve.  it's how i've always been.

my friends tell me that i was supposed to go through this.  had i not, i probably wouldn't have ever let go of the dream of him.  of the thought of him.  of loving him.  now i see something, someone, different.  dreams shattered like glass falling on the cement.  but what you do is clean up the mess, throw it away, and move on.

while i was not clear of the shrapnel that flew my way, it may just be that i had to experience this so i can move on with my life.  so i can let go of the baggage.  so i can lose the weight.  so i can find me again.

so ...

what do you think of the new blog?

yes?  no?  maybe?

home

it is a gross understatement to say that things did not work out for me in california.

i am accountable for my part.  and it was not my actions alone which brought me to this point.

regardless, it's time for me to go.

trying to get back to colorado, leaving Dec. 1

smoke-free

a few things have happened the last week which are good things for me, but were not by choice.

first, my car broke down.  that is not one of the good things.  i believe it's going to need a complete engine overhaul.  i was quoted $700 - $800 for that.  i do not have the money for this and especially right before Christmas ~ but then i was thinking, other than Jordan who do i have to worry about Christmas for?

the problem with it being un-drivable right now is that i can't leave when i need to get away from here and from him.  his new girlfriend and future wife called yesterday and i was sitting in the living room watching a movie with him.  he got up and went to the kitchen.  this, he has never done since i've been here. and while i'm trying to get along and be nice, sometimes that pain is just too much.  i can't help but believe that i would be much better emotionally and physically if i didn't live here.

i also feel like crap.  i have a UTI and my usual home remedies haven't worked.   this sucks because i'm in pain and have a low grade fever.  i am going to try and call a doctor tomorrow to have something called in without having to go in since i have no money to go in anywhere.

ok.

on top of that, i ran out of cigarettes on Thursday night.  so i have not smoked since Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 11:00 pm.  this is good.  well bad, because i'm going through withdrawals.  but good because although i didn't want to quit right now, it's good to be quit.  i went back to www.coquitnet.com and my old account is still there.  the last post in my journal was when i hit 1003 days smoke-free.  a lot to throw away. 

then on Friday night i ran out of diet pepsi.  this is almost as hard as quitting smoking.  i learned when i went to the class for the lap band the reason that diet soda is just as bad for you is the carbonation.  it stretches the stomach out when it bubbles all up inside. that is the ONLY thing that you are not allowed to have when you have the lap band surgery.  soda or any beverage with carbonation. 

i have had cranberry juice and water since i ran out of diet pepsi.  this is not to say that i won't have it once in a while.  but i'm not buying it for home anymore.   i'm going to continue to drink cranberry juice (antioxidants!!) and water.

i just got back from taking Sienna for a walk.  i live in a bad area.  there were many groups of gang bangers around, all Crips which are the ones all dressed in blue, blue bandannas on their faces.  it was intimidating.   don't know that i will be walking around here again; however, since i don't have my car to drive anywhere, i'm kinda stuck.  it was a hard walk, as well.  i struggled and now my ankle is hurting.  i expected that.

still nothing on the job front. 

sometimes think that this really is all there is and it's not going to get any better.  and to that i say, WTH?

love week

Aquarius Horoscopes

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

For the Week of Nov 2nd, 2009 -- The air is thick with emotion that could make this weekend a little challenging. You may feel smothered by your current partner or encounter someone new who lacks the logic or sense of humor you like. It's wise to accept people as they are since reason is not going to change their behavior. Exercise your freedom of choice without judging others in the process.

right .... 

...

the hottest love has the coldest ending.

isn't it ironic

Aquarius

Feisty Mars in your 7th House of Others forms an annoying alignment with unpredictable Uranus today, indicating that your life might not be running as smoothly as you wish. But this aspect is easily handled by changing your attitude. Even if you have specific goals, someone else may have a very different agenda for you now. Instead of fighting over something that ultimately won't matter, be willing to modify your plans to create more harmony in your environment.

daylight savings

just a cruel way to give depressed people an extra hour to have to deal with.

i'm going to call a therapist tomorrow.  i'm in a very dark place right now, a place i haven't been in many years. 

i feel trapped, like a caged animal that is cowering in the corner having shit thrown at it.

i'm on the edge of a complete break and the only thing that keeps me from doing something about it is the fact that i don't really know how to do it and make 100% sure it works. 

nothing is worse than trying to off yourself and then waking up to realize you failed. 

yea, i've been there before.  and don't want to go through that again.