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it is a gross understatement to say that things did not work out for me in california.

i am accountable for my part.  and it was not my actions alone which brought me to this point.

regardless, it's time for me to go.

trying to get back to colorado, leaving Dec. 1

smoke-free

a few things have happened the last week which are good things for me, but were not by choice.

first, my car broke down.  that is not one of the good things.  i believe it's going to need a complete engine overhaul.  i was quoted $700 - $800 for that.  i do not have the money for this and especially right before Christmas ~ but then i was thinking, other than Jordan who do i have to worry about Christmas for?

the problem with it being un-drivable right now is that i can't leave when i need to get away from here and from him.  his new girlfriend and future wife called yesterday and i was sitting in the living room watching a movie with him.  he got up and went to the kitchen.  this, he has never done since i've been here. and while i'm trying to get along and be nice, sometimes that pain is just too much.  i can't help but believe that i would be much better emotionally and physically if i didn't live here.

i also feel like crap.  i have a UTI and my usual home remedies haven't worked.   this sucks because i'm in pain and have a low grade fever.  i am going to try and call a doctor tomorrow to have something called in without having to go in since i have no money to go in anywhere.

ok.

on top of that, i ran out of cigarettes on Thursday night.  so i have not smoked since Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 11:00 pm.  this is good.  well bad, because i'm going through withdrawals.  but good because although i didn't want to quit right now, it's good to be quit.  i went back to www.coquitnet.com and my old account is still there.  the last post in my journal was when i hit 1003 days smoke-free.  a lot to throw away. 

then on Friday night i ran out of diet pepsi.  this is almost as hard as quitting smoking.  i learned when i went to the class for the lap band the reason that diet soda is just as bad for you is the carbonation.  it stretches the stomach out when it bubbles all up inside. that is the ONLY thing that you are not allowed to have when you have the lap band surgery.  soda or any beverage with carbonation. 

i have had cranberry juice and water since i ran out of diet pepsi.  this is not to say that i won't have it once in a while.  but i'm not buying it for home anymore.   i'm going to continue to drink cranberry juice (antioxidants!!) and water.

i just got back from taking Sienna for a walk.  i live in a bad area.  there were many groups of gang bangers around, all Crips which are the ones all dressed in blue, blue bandannas on their faces.  it was intimidating.   don't know that i will be walking around here again; however, since i don't have my car to drive anywhere, i'm kinda stuck.  it was a hard walk, as well.  i struggled and now my ankle is hurting.  i expected that.

still nothing on the job front. 

sometimes think that this really is all there is and it's not going to get any better.  and to that i say, WTH?

love week

Aquarius Horoscopes

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

For the Week of Nov 2nd, 2009 -- The air is thick with emotion that could make this weekend a little challenging. You may feel smothered by your current partner or encounter someone new who lacks the logic or sense of humor you like. It's wise to accept people as they are since reason is not going to change their behavior. Exercise your freedom of choice without judging others in the process.

right .... 

...

the hottest love has the coldest ending.

isn't it ironic

Aquarius

Feisty Mars in your 7th House of Others forms an annoying alignment with unpredictable Uranus today, indicating that your life might not be running as smoothly as you wish. But this aspect is easily handled by changing your attitude. Even if you have specific goals, someone else may have a very different agenda for you now. Instead of fighting over something that ultimately won't matter, be willing to modify your plans to create more harmony in your environment.

daylight savings

just a cruel way to give depressed people an extra hour to have to deal with.

i'm going to call a therapist tomorrow.  i'm in a very dark place right now, a place i haven't been in many years. 

i feel trapped, like a caged animal that is cowering in the corner having shit thrown at it.

i'm on the edge of a complete break and the only thing that keeps me from doing something about it is the fact that i don't really know how to do it and make 100% sure it works. 

nothing is worse than trying to off yourself and then waking up to realize you failed. 

yea, i've been there before.  and don't want to go through that again.